My exams are over, I should have passed all my courses (but SOME profs are lacking in their grading), but honesty that's not even the first thing on my mind right now.
Maybe I'm just exhausted and anxious from exams and need some rest so it's on my mind. The more I read my spirituality books and do things that connect me to that, such as crystal shopping today, the more I realize just how much I wanted to be handed some kind of perfect system. I wanted to be given a perfect guidebook on how to Be A Pagan, with someone telling me what all my little feelings meant. I wanted this probably because I didn't trust myself.
Now I know more of what I want. I don't want to do rituals, at least right now. I want to make little knowledgey, pagany files on my headmates, with power animals and full astrological charts. That's practice to me, not rituals, especially ones I don't personally agree with. I think everyone knows the story of the crazy fucking cult.
I want to grow herbs indoors (except I have no natural light so I actually can't). Me. Growing something. I killed a cactus. I KILLED AN ALOE.
The problem is feelings like this make me long for a place I can't go to, so I'm going to go back to writing just absolute torture porn and whump, because maybe I'll feel something that isn't a coffee induced madness.